President Obama To Be Unfairly Yet Inevitably Tarred With Next Crisis

Why, O WHY does this America’s first black president have to get saddled with the next bubble burst?

As you know, our next president will be Barack Obama, who is, among other things, part black. Since he’s super-charismatic and smooth, and he’s got super-great ideas, he will of course be president for 8 years. (With Vice President Winfrey serving at least a term after that).

This is like when Herbert Hoover beat Al Smith in 1928. Al Smith, the first Catholic with a shot at being president, didn’t beat Hoover. When the stock market crashed, Catholics everywhere breathed a huge sigh of relief. If Smith had won, they figured, Catholics would have been blamed for the crash and the Great Depression.

Other presidents are associated with the cataclysmic events that took place during their tenure as president. Jimmy Carter is known for the hostage crisis and the gas crisis. George W. Bush will forever be associated with the events of 9/11. And the tortures inflicted by him on the English sentence. Gerald Ford is associated with the bumping of one’s head. Is that fair? No - lots of people bump their heads, but that’s what they remember him for.

Now, was the depression Hoover’s fault? Maybe, maybe not. The hostage crisis Jimmy Carter’s fault? Maybe, maybe not. At least they had the chance to fix it. At least government had the tools to fix those problems. They may have failed, but they controlled their own destiny. Given the nature of the next crisis, President Obama won’t have that chance. The forces of change that are swirling are totally beyond his, or any government’s control. It ain’t gonna be pretty, it ain’t gonna be his fault, but he’s gonna get stuck with it, and it’s going to suck.

I’m talking of course about the coming cataclysmic shift in men’s shorts. After years of dropping, dropping and dropping, men’s shorts, have become, well, pants. The pendulum is about to lurch back, to a time that was not so easy on the eyes.

Pictured here are a typical pair of men’s shorts in 2008. Much like tapered leg jeans ballooned into bell bottom jeans (we all swore an oath in the 80s we’d never wear them) the shorts will soon snap back to the shorts of the 1980s. It’s been over twenty years. Change is coming like a runaway freight train. Pale hairy men’s thighs. Coming soon to a city street in your community.

Think I’m joking? Here’s Larry and Magic “hanging out.” American icons. Back then these shorts WEREN’T WRONG AT ALL. These guys were COOL. Kids wanted to BE LIKE THEM.

Nobody wanted to be like McEnroe, but my point is look at those freakin' shorts.

Look at the future. Lemmy of Motorhead, the British chain-smoking Ace of Spades, shows you the horror and shame with which President Obama will be saddled.

Why? Sometimes life isn’t fair.

These men are "actors" playing homosexuals in a movie with a plot that required rubber gloves. Not the detail to focus on. The point of this photo is to show what’s going on “out there.” The gay community is getting out front on the shorts thing. Denim. Short. Lots of man leg. This is going to spill over and taint Nancy Pelosi’s reign as first woman Speaker of the House. I could just cry.

Here’s some asshole wearing “modest” short shorts.

This is as good as it will get for President Obama.

What fresh hell is this? I can just hear Dick Cheney laughing at the Democrats. Mocking. Luxuriating in Bermuda shorts or clam diggers. Shooting stuff.

Secretary of Education?

In summary, the life of a public servant is a harsh one. Life is harsh. But it is tragic and unfair that our first black president will be forever associated with god-awful men’s short-shorts. In the face of this crisis, we must all hope that President Obama resists the temptation to invade Iran just to distract the American people and historians everywhere from the unsightly spectacle of men’s upper thighs.